Last month I went back home to visit my mom. Guess what, she was complaining how fat I am since I've moved out from the country. I surely can figure out which part she is referring at. But I'll just keep it to myself.

It has been always my goal to get fit and healthy. But with the fat that I have now, I lose some confidence in me.

So, I told my boyfriend how much I hate my body and make a promise to him that I would be doing the Ogawa everyday even after I join the gym. For some reason, I am not sure why I need to assure him that I will be hitting the gym daily. Maybe perhaps, I am afraid to let him know that I will be spending money on some stupid stuffs? ( Because yeah, selalu shopping on something not useful kan..) Or maybe I am just too guilty to spend some money on something that I wasn't sure will work on me.

Well, a big tap to me. I finally in.

Been working out for almost three weeks now. But lately, I get lazy. However, I tried as hard as I can to erase the laziness that I have inside. Managed to shed some fats and lose about 2.5KGs.

I can tell, this is ain't that easy. With Christmas week, we received Turkey and Hams almost everyday. Not forgetting the cakes and chocolate. I then earned back my 2.5kgs back. Quite frustrating as it ain't that easy to shed some fat.

So back to the question, to gym or not to gym. My answer is - yes to gym. Your body stays longer than that luxury bag that you could ever imagine!

Stay fit and healthy!

My daughter,

I wish you could read this. I wish you could hear me. You were just two years old when he took you away from me. Forgive me my child, I wish I could do better. There are times where I wish I could ever turned back time. 

It's bitter to let you go. It's hurt to know that you'll be growing up miles and miles away from me. It's hard going to sleep at night without a goodnight kiss. It's hard to wake up on weekend without you nagging for a milk. It's even too hard now knowing that we may probably will never have the chance to see each other anymore.

I miss you. I miss you a lot. Remember your first word, mi . That's for mommy. You were just two and the first word came from you was Mi . That makes me the proudest mommy in the world.

My child, my bless and prayer will be with you as always. May the good knowledge be with you. My prayer will be always be with you so that you will be growing up as ......

*********************************************************************************

She could not finished her letter. She was devastated. She was staring at the window, looking at the snow falling down. Her eyes filled with tears.

The woman's strength is in love.

"You will never feel the pain that I have now!"....she screamed loudly inside her rooms.

She knew that even how long she write the letter, it will remain unpost. There were something that holding her back. Could it be some dark secret?. She look confused. Once she was the sweetest girl with a bright smile. She carry such a positive attitude and spread loves to everyone that she met.

But the bright smile slowly fading. Her tanned and toned skin becoming pale. She's no longer smile. She no longer talk that much. She wasn't that girl anymore. 

The pain that she had inside is destroying her slowly. Slowly from within.

"Will I ever found myself again?".

"I am dying inside..."

********************************************************************

Another few more days before new year. And I am writing this post on boxing day, thinking that I might be busy with work or I might stuck with some heavy drink on new year~~~ nah, I'm just kidding. But seriously.

As always, I am thinking to stop writing. But my hand knows it well. Maybe I should born to be a writer instead. I've ever thinking to take up some writing class just four months ago but I figure out that was so so soon. Maybe I should wait a little while, you know - I just landed here and trying to make myself comfortable.

So, yeah! I am official on-leave today until this Saturday. Particularly that will be tomorrow. Decided to hit the gym after my long deep sleep but instead I wakes up at sharp 7:30am and get myself a chinese breakfast. Well, they called a food court here as canteen. Back at the school days, my brain recognize canteen only exist in school. But yeah, it's kind of different here. Canteen means a food court. I had my breakfast and hit back home. Thought that I can get back sleep again but for some reason - I felt like I am in the mood of spring-cleaning today! That so unusual me. SERIOUSLY.

So i cleaned the kitchen. Sweep the floor. Re-arrange my heels,running shoes,walking shoes,slippers and flats. Then i moved to my room, fold my dress, baby tee,pants etc etc...

To cut the story short - by the time I've finished everything, it was almost 2pm. TIRING!

Took my shower and watched some movies before I hit the sack and goes la la land.

What a day. I wish I can have this luxury times everyday.

Be grateful. Till then!!!

And the street was cold. I am walking without knowing where to head for. It was raining the whole day. The street light was blurry. I got Bridgit Mendler in my player.

I need to stop. Somewhere. I need to stop somewhere. I am cold.

Feeling the warm tears dropping out. It struck me like a lightning. Knowing that everything was over. And, I won't have the nightmare anymore?

And after long waiting, I finally signed the paperwork. One good thing, I am free now. I am no longer belong to anyone else. But among all the freedom that I've managed to obtain, I've lost my soul.

"I wish I could tell you for the last time", I heard myself was mumbling.

"This is the courage that I have to take, and the soul that I need to let go".

I remember clearly, that morning as I woke up from deep sleep. The air that I breathe was same like any other days. Everything seem to be at the place. I grabbed my key and start the engine before I kissed her goodbye.

I read his text saying something hurtful. I wish I never ignored his text ever. I wish at some point, I could turned back time.

I remember that evening when I get home, the house was empty. For a moment, I am in denial. 

"Beep....Beep...hello it's Annie's house".

"Hey Annie, this is Kim. Look this may sound weird. But I just wanted to check if Amory is there?".

"Kim, ain't you suppose to be at the plane now?. I mean your daughter wasn't around...."

"Hello Kim. You there?...Kim?".

For a moment, I felt like I am lost. I felt like there were some short of oxygen pumping to my blood.

"What do you mean Annie?. There is no plane. Where is my daughter?!".

Tuuuuuuuut. The phone was hang up.

I remember that clearly. I remember that.

You've taking the whole of me.

To be continued.

And, its going to be new year soon.For months I've been worried about my weight and my new job seem to be so tough.

The job that I had before was cooler than now. I do not have to wake up so early and rush to work. I always have plenty of times to do my hair and make-up. I don't have to worry either I comes in time or if I missed my breakfast as I am the boss of my own. I am in-charged of everything. And that, I just have to worry if there are no people comes to work or the fund are not coming on time.

Now, my bosses are horrible. They are just like the pain in the ass. My colleagues are fake. Fake like a bitch.

And that's all stressing me up for months. I can't sleep at night. I am so so so fucked up.

Anyway, I had enough and ready to move on. Although there were too many things happening for this year - I take it all as a positive vibe for me to move on and be gorgeous. Lol!

Next year gonna be a good year ever!

I need to do something with that arms

So now I've been exercising for almost 3 weeks now. I lost about 2.5 KGs now. That was quite an achievement for me although this may sound just too little for you. But this is what makes me happy. You know nothing about it!

Although life being a bit busy now - I tried as hard it is to find time to work out. And, you know, working in Singapore wasn't that easy like what you think. Life here full of challenges. Either in career or fashion. Both plays two huge factors here.

I am trying as hard to keep up with that two factors. And for a starting, I got to get my ass to the gym like three times a week. That was so tiring! Especially when you got a rough day at office!

Fashion?. It's all like a competition here. And I must say - you gotta be mean. You just have to say straight to their face that -" hello, don't think you can bully me just because you got Kate Spade". So, everyday, you will see those crazy bitch face with fake face smiling on you and trying to be your friend and ditch you when you've got nothing good for them.

Still I am surviving and I learnt from the pain.

Message to all the bullies - Don't worry I send you a postcard when am up there. I'll promise!

Not everyone can deal with rejection. I am not so sure with me myself. But I guess, I could not handle it just to be honest to myself at least once and for all.

But human is always a human. We changed in a blink of eyes. Some may say no. But, I am dare to say that "Bullshit". Everyone changed just a matter of good or bad only.

I do changed. And I may say, I changed a little bit too fast. But it took me an ages to move on depending on how bad is the situation.

Everyone experience in some stages of life, feeling lost,heart-broken,losing hope etc.

And I did.

However, life must move on. And that's what I do.

Go travel. Experience new life new place see new people.

So, be brave. Don't afraid of changes.